One of the things I’m often asked – mostly by NLP enthusiasts – is whether you can use NLP for breakup related ‘healing’.

NLP is a tool for better managing your mind. Take mind to mean mindset, attitude, ID… whatever you want it to mean.

The short answer is ‘yes’: NLP can be used to get over breakup.

In my book, how to get over your ex, there is an introductory chapter to NLP with the free sample. Moreover, the book and it’s step by step approach is based on NLP principles. So you can ‘do’ without necessarily having to know ‘how’ or ‘why’.

For those who like to get in deep, I do provide explanations as to how and why these techniques work, and how they work within the NLP framework.

So, in a nutshell: yes, NLP it all the way and you’ll be just fine.

Happy reading!

Ref: this is in response to the question: can I use NLP to get over a breakup?

In my previous post I wrote about how it may not be you or something that you specifically do that’s the issue if your success with dating and relationships is below average.

Particularly if you keep dating the same type of person and your relationships always fail. Assuming of course that you are to large degree an emotionally healthy and mature individual, then the above would seem to indicate that you are dating the wrong type of person.

So how good are you at making decisions when it comes to choosing a partner? Do you need to raise the bar?

A good way to frame this question is by looking at it this way: knowing what you know now, would you date your ex?

If the answer is a resounding NO, then you need to ask yourself what it is that you didn’t see back when you decided to start dating your ex? Especially if what you see now seems to you very obvious.

You may find that the people you tend to gravitate toward have similar mode of behaviour when it comes to certain situations, and those modes of behaviour may cause friction with your own way of doing things.

For instance, if you tend to date extreme extroverts, you’ll find that they may be flirtatious with just about anything that moves. If this behaviour upsets you, then simply stop dating extroverts.

Become aware of your own patterns when it comes to making choices in partners, and start by looking for commonalities – something that your exes had in common – things that you didn’t particularly like. When you become conscious of these traits you will spot them very easily in other people and this will empower you when it comes to making better decisions and choosing better partners.

If it isn’t working, raise the bar.

If you’re one of those people who seem to be going nowhere fast, jumping from one relationship to another and never lasting more than a few months, then you need to check one thing before you start asking yourself if it’s you or something that you’re doing:

Do you keep choosing the wrong type of partner?

It may not be you, but rather the type of people that you are choosing to date.

Think about your previous relationships. Are your exes the same type of person? Do your ex-partner’s share the same or similar  character traits?

If you find for instance that all your ex-partners are extroverted, and your relationships tend to fail spectacularly, then perhaps you need to consider whether you may be better suited to an introvert.

Make it your mission to find somebody who is not like the type of person who has previously made you unhappy all caused friction in your relationship.

I use the concept of social value when talking about relationships because it is a very useful way to measure a person.

They say we are the sum of our decisions. Therefore if we make bad decisions we’re going to be at a different point than somebody who makes good decisions.

Moral decisions in this case are worth much more than any other type of decision. So the more bad decisions you make from moral point of view the less social value you have – or the more value you leak – hence the less you are worth.

Moral decisions are of course closely linked to society and popular culture, including trends. In simple terms, if you do something that isn’t trendy, you’re not cool. This means by default that you have less value than somebody else who is perceived to be cool.

For instance, when it comes to relationships and social dynamics, a woman who is seen as being ‘easy’ is perceived to have lower social value compared a woman who is very hard to get. The reason the woman is ‘easy’ is because of the decisions that she makes – she decides to make herself too easily accessible.

To assess your own social value think about the decisions that you make and the outcomes of those decisions. Pay some attention also to how those outcomes are perceived by the people around you – remember that those people make up the society that you’re in.

Ironically this question seems to cross people’s minds more often when they are in a relationship. Seldom is this question asked straight after a breakup, but still, you may find yourself in this situation weeks or even months after you split up.

As time goes by and you move on, you’re likely to remember the good times more than the bad times of your relationship. Even if you remember the bad times, after a while, the sting will be somewhat duller.

Having said this, people do change and it is possible that a chance encounter with an ex partner – at a time when you are both available – may have you wondering whether it is a good idea to get back into a relationship with them.

When it comes to relationships the real question is a question of value. The most important question you should be asking yourself is: how much value has my ex retained?

To better understand this concept of value in terms of relationships, think about the following example:

Imagine you split up with your girlfriend or boyfriend. You find yourself caught up in a sea of emotions and you dealing with day-to-day things is hard for a while. You’re hurt and you need time to recover.

You’ve been keeping yourself holed up for a while, low-key, until eventually you feel ‘good’ enough to venture out again and start taking part in every day life, hoping to eventually pick the pace up again.

Much to your surprise however you discover that in the meantime your ex has been busy dating like it’s going out of fashion ptrtty much from day 1 after your breakup.

In fact, your ex has got quite a name for themselves now, strutting their stuff across town hopping from bed to bed.

Think about how you feel when you hear this.

Now ask yourself: how much value has my ex and we retained since our breakup?

If the answer is none or very little, then move on and start finding people of higher social value.

This is a question that keeps coming, and one that has no specific answer.

Is a day after you break up too soon to start dating? Is the week after too soon also to start dating?

The best person to answer this is non other than you.

Sure, some people start dating right after their breakup, often much to the shock and disapproval of everybody else. A good example of this is found in high profile celebrities who after a break up start datting somebody else. It’s usually only a matter of hours before photographs and stories start to circulate in the press and the news media.

Of course, almost everybody who starts dating ‘too early’ will argue that enough time has passed, but most people are still healing emotionally especially if the previous relationship was a significant one.

Realise that if you haven’t ‘flushed’ out your ex out of your system, nobody else you date right now is going to hold your full attention. In a sense, you’re wasting their time.

Imagine if it was the other way around and somebody you started dating was actually hung up on an ex. You would probably feel like they’re using you – at some level – to distract themselves from thoughts of their ex. They are still healing emotionally, hence their focus is really not on you.

To decide whether it is too early or not to date again – and assuming this question concerns you in any way – then think about your reaction if your ex began dating somebody else right now.

Do you think it’s too early? If you do, then you have your answer.

When times are hard things get tested, even in relationships.

I recently came across an article in a newspaper which told the story of a married couple who’s lives changed due to the recession, and whose relationship started to deteriorate until they finally broke up.

As times got a little to tougher, the couple decided to cut back on certain aspects of their lifestyle that they had grown used to. One of them was their entertainment. Instead of going out all the time, they decided to start having nights in.

And here is where things started to go wrong.

Much to their surprise, the couple discovered that they actually couldn’t stand each other for any significant period of time. Having nights in suddenly meant dinning together (in a date setting) having drinks and watching DVDs. And it all got too much for them.  So much in fact that day ended up breaking up.

This story amazes me. Of course the recession is not to blame, although financial stress can often spill into all of the areas of ones life. But in this case the real failure was in the couple’s lack of planning.

If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with somebody, the very first thing you need to test is whether you can stand being around that person for long periods of time. Duh!

As always there is a lesson in there for those that care to look for it, and that is of course to take your time and make sure you choose the right person (next time).

Don’t let his happen to you.

One common ‘fear’ I always come across from somebody who has recently broken up is the question: what if I see my ex?

My answer to this tends to be: yes. What if you see your ex?

Whilst this is rational thought for somebody who has recently broken up with their partner, it is nonetheless a completely useless one.

If you live in the same town or you frequent places where you know your ex also treads, then there is a chance that you will indeed come across your ex at some point. However this may not happen for a long time. And even if it happened next week, it may not happen again for six months after that.

So my point is: why worry about this?

Think about it in this way: you just broke up your relationship, and now you start worrying that you may see your ex whilst you’re out shopping, as you both shop in the same place. This is a rational thought, so it’s pretty natural for you to think it in the first place.

Now let’s say that, just as you thought, you do bump into your ex in six months from now. Well, you could say that you were right your thinking, because you did.

However the point here is that all the times during the six months that you spent living with the thought about bumping into your ex were not particularly well spent. This is not particularly a relaxing thought: it’s stress-based.

Therefore you spent time during the six months stressing whether you may or may not bump into your ex.

Although you did bump into your ex, this didn’t happen until six months after you broke up, so in reality you spend a lot of time thinking about something that caused you stress, probably for many hours when you add all the time together, when you could have been thinking about something else instead.

So here’s what to do: except that you may bump into your ex at some point and then forget about it.

Easy, I know, but nobody said it had to be complicated.

During a breakup it’s usually very hard to focus on anything useful other than your ex partner and everything that your ex ‘did’ to you, or that you feel they did to you. Particularly the in the first weeks after your breakup, this can send your mind into a spin.

You’ve probably come across the idea that if your finger hurts you should stamp on your foot to take your mind off the pain in your finger.

However funny that is, there is a very good lesson in there, and that it to simply do something else in order to engage in your mind.

Here are 3 things you can do right away (unless you’re driving) to stop thinking about your ex for at least a little while, and give your mind that well needed break.

1. Watch a movie. Not just any movie, but whatever you consider to be a great movie; something that engages you fully; something you really enjoy. Perhaps a sequel to one of your favourite movies, or even a movie you have seen before, as long as it engages you in a powerful way.
2. Read a book. Reading is the ultimate form of escapism. If you’re not much of a reader, now is a great time to start. When you read, you fully engage your mind. Choose a great story that connects with you and lose yourself in a book for hours, days and even weeks if you’re a slow reader.
3. Learn something new. Not as powerful as the previous 2 points unless you choose the right subjects for you, but it’s still worth a piece of your mind. Learn how to do something and spend time practising until you can do it. This engages your mind as you need to focus on the new skill being learnt – particularly as you practice. This will stop you thinking about your ex at least whilst you’re trying to perfect the technique or absorb the new knowledge.

You just broke up with your ex. You’re alone, and still in pieces. Right now there are many underlying stresses taking place inside you, on a daily basis. What’s worse, is that these underlying stresses are taking their toll.

Have you looked in the mirror lately? The heartbroken seldom look good. Hollow cheeks, unkemp hair, bloodshot eyes…  are all part of the uniform; it’s almost a way to prove that you are indeed heartbroken.

Symbolism aside, stress causes damage, both physiologically and mentally. And right now you’re under stress.

Think about this: these days, when is the when you are most relaxed? It’s probably when you’re asleep. The problem is that when you’re asleep, unless it you’re a lucid dreamer, you have no control of your dreams, and these can be stressful in themselves.

If you’re currently experiencing any sort of trauma, or simply in the throes of a broken relationship, then when you sleep you’re likely to be having at least some disturbing dreams as a reflection of your current situation.

You won’t be smiling when you’re having these dreams of course: your brain will be too busy pumping out stress chemicals during this process, which means for you that you can find peace from these constant stresses.

There is a way in which you can take control of the situation and create a space in your mind where stress magically dissappears, and that is meditation.

I urge you to read on: don’t make the mistake I made when I first came across this stuff, which was to dismiss it immediately.

Have you ever considered meditation? Chances are you haven’t. In fact, you may even be part of the majority who regard meditation is something slightly weird.

However, whether you like it or not, the benefits of meditation as measured by modern medicine and psychology are simply unsurpassable.

The type of meditation I’m talking about here is not the traditional type that you may be thinking off. In fact I personally can’t meditate in that way: my mind wanders all too easily.

All this type of meditation requires is a pair of headphones and something to play a CD. That’s it.

Once you plug in you can think about what ever you like. You can even think about your shopping list. The technology inside the CD creates the meditative state inside your mind, ragardless of what your conscious mind is busy thinking about.

What I’m describing to you here is the most powerful technology for self-development on the planet right now.

I have personally tried this and still continue to use it.

I’m not going to try and convince you to try it for yourself. Instead I’m going to direct you to the makers website where you can get your own FREE sample CD sent to you at no cost.

So you have nothing to lose whatsoever.

Read what it says on their website. The technology is backed up with all the scientific proof you need.  Once you read through the facts, you have no choice but to be amazed.

Give this a try and let me know what you think. I want to know what YOU think.

Get Your Demo CD FREE