My ex girlfriend cheated on me after 5 years

“I’m 25 and my girlfriend of 5 years goes and calls me today and tells me she has cheated on me and she’s  leaving me. That’s it. She just hung up on me! Now she won’t answer my calls and she won’t tell me why. I need to know so I can move on”.

Jose says:

In most cases, closure is always nice. As people, we like closure because it allows us to tie loose ends neatly in our minds, no matter how unpleasant they are. Having the facts of why your girlfriend cheated on you allows you to do several things, including:

  • understand why your girlfriend cheated on you after so many years together
  • blame your girlfriend for cheating on you (although this can be a denial of your own shortcomings)
  • learn from previous mistakes, so that you don’t end up in the same situation again

Sadly, we don’t always get closure, and this often creates a great deal of stress and a much wasted time by turning things over in your mind, trying to figure out the reason why she cheated on you in the first place. Thus, we must always be prepared to go on without knowing the real reason or the full facts about the affair.

Now here’s the good news: think of closure as a concept, nothing else. It’s just a way of doing things… but it’s not the ONLY way to do things.

Instead of focusing on not having the facts, be grateful that your ex girlfriend confessed to you that she cheated on you. It’s not always about you – she probably had to deal with her own demons and drum up the courage to tell you, and she may have been too ashamed to tell you everything.

But still, it is a good thing that she told you about the cheating. Period.

Imagine instead if you got to find out about the cheating in a few years’ time. Wouldn’t this be worse? How much older would you be? How much time, money, effort may you have put into the relationship in all that time? Not to mention love and commitments… And what if you had proposed? And worse… she had accepted? All those things would have come tumbling down like a house of cards when you found out about the cheating.

Wouldn’t THAT be a kicker? Wouldn’t THAT hurt? Wouldn’t that be a complete waste of your time – of years that you can never get back?

You can see that, despite how bad things seem right now, there is a lot to be glad about. Whether you get closure or not should really become a secondary thing – it’s not as important as it may seem, especially in the light of what it is you’re dealing with.

So let’s see where we’re really at: your ex admitted that she cheated on you after all these years. Well, the years are irrelevant right now: would you feel differently if she cheated on you after 2 years, or after 6 years? The bottom line is that she cheated on you, so don’t make it about the years – let go of that notion.

Forget also about closure, at least for now. If you do get it one day, then great (maybe) but right now it’s just a distraction you don’t need.

The truth is that her cheating on you may not be related to anything that you think, it may not even have anything to do with you personally – by this I mean that your girlfriend may have cheated on you because she made a bad decision, rather than because of something you did, said or else.

In reality, there’s not much point asking why. Would the answer change anything for you now that you know? Probably not. If so, forget about it.

If on the other hand you think knowing why she cheated would help you in some way, then you should still not expect to be told. You can’t control other people: your ex will tell you only if she wants to tell you, not if you want her to tell you.

Once you let go of wanting to know, you’ll be doing away with a lot of needless stresses. Getting over your ex girlfriend cheating is another thing, but at least you should not be weighed down with useless notions like closure, especially if it’s unlikely that she will ever confess everything.

When you can make it all about YOU, about picking up the pieces and getting back on track – rather than about wanting her to tell you things that are now in the past – then you can start to work on yourself.

Start by looking at all the good points of being single again. Check out the following articles:

About Jose Gonzalez

Jose Gonzalez is the author of various books, including Get Over Your Ex and The Black Book of Online Dating.

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