Cheating girlfriend / cheating wife: how to deal with this

So your girlfriend cheated on you… or your wife cheated on you, and now you’re wondering what to do…

Just knowing what to expect, and understanding the logical patterns of behaviours that may arise can give you a huge insight into your own reactions, thoughts, behaviours and help you to control them to a great extent. So let’s think about how most people – in general – may react when their girlfriend of wife cheats on them or does ‘something untoward’ behind their back.

Most people are likely to experience a myriad of feelings, ranging from anger to denial to downright depression. Each state brings with it a set of related behaviours and tendencies or thoughts. For instance, during the anger stage you may well feel drawn toward any or all of the following:

  • getting revenge on your ex girlfriend
  • getting even with your ex wife
  • teaching your ex girlfriend or ex wife a lesson

These are all behaviours associated with the negative, and all 3 of the above normally come second to more violent thoughts such as punching an object or doing something that releases physical tension.

Unfortunately, some people will consider lashing out at their partner. This is of course unacceptable and to many, the mark of a coward. If you even think about being violent toward your spouse, girlfriend – and even exes – then you should consider seeking professional advice.

This article is aimed at the secondary wave of feelings and thoughts that may arise in the anger stage, following the primary (more primal) urges in which a man, upon finding his wife or girlfriend cheated on him, may feel like hitting something – punching a wall, a car door, a car steering wheel… – in the heat of the moment.

After the intensity of that first wave passes, what’s left is usually anger, sorrow and ill feelings, and for some, the urge to get even, to even the scores by some act of revenge.

If you’re at this stage, then this is for you.

Consider first, what’s in it for you. Will it make you feel better? Maybe in the short term, but highly unlikely beyond that.

Consider also this question: does it really matter? This is a hard question to accept – especially when we’re attached to a feeling or event by its recentness. But seriously, does it really matter?

  • If you get even with your ex, does it change anything?
  • if you even the scores with your ex wife, will you feel better about what she did?

The answer is always ‘no’, of course. If anything, by hanging on to the anger, by wanting to get even with your ex, you’re only prolonging the very same feelings you’re trying to rid yourself from (it’s a great irony).

The tragedy here stays with you: put simply, if you hang on to this wish for revenge you will likely be doing yourself mental and even physical harm in the long term. To find out why, read my article titled:
Getting even with an ex girlfriend

About Jose Gonzalez

Jose Gonzalez is the author of various books, including How To Get Over Your Ex and The Black Book of Online Dating.


  1. I recognise that asking this question on your web log might be unethical but I guess my girlfriend is unfaithful on me. You know, getting home late from the job, going outside with the young women from work every time. Washing Out the clothes as soon as she gets home. We don't even sleep together anymore Do you guys have any tips as to how I could see the truth?

  2. Hey there.

    "I guess my girlfriend is unfaithful on me"

    Are you guessing or do you know for sure? If you don't know, then you really are guessing, which is a pointless excercise.

    "Washing Out the clothes as soon as she gets home"

    This does't sound altogether 'normal', unless of course she always does this regardless of whether she's been out partying or not.

    It doesn't sound to me like you're having a great time, even though you don't have all the facts. However, if her lifestyle is not compatible with yours, then this is another matter. Don't waste time trying to find a lie: if your lifestyles clash, leave.

    It's that simple.

    Jose Gonzalez

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