The bad news is that there is very little you can do. If your ex girlfriend wont talk to you, then you can’t force her to. You are the only person you have control over; your ex girlfriend - for whatever reason - has made a decision and only she can change that decision.

It doesn’t sound like you got a clean break, but people seldom do. It also seems that you’re spending a lot of time thinking about this, covering all the angles, playing scenes from the past over and over in your mind until you find something - anything - that may explain why your ex broke up with you so suddenly. It sounds like you may have been shut out with not much explanation. But you already know in your heart of hearts and all this thinking will achieve very little… or nothing.

The truth is that there is not much point trying to ‘guess’ what really happened. Find out the facts and put it to rest, or accept what happened and put it to rest - but don’t second guess.

You mention she was trying to keep your relationship secret from her parents, and that they found out. It seems likely that this has something to do with her reaction. The fear of letting parents down is hard to overcome for some people - it’s not unlike peer-pressure, where you may act in ways that are out of character in order to earn the approval of your peers (it may well be that her decision has nothing do with you personally). But even if we assume that her parents are the reason for her behaviour, this still doesn’t change the situation at all.

Jose says:

Whether you can forgive someone for cheating or not is mostly down to the person making the decision. You should ask yourself: can I live with my partner knowing that they cheated on me? If the answer is no, then the question of whether you should forgive someone for cheating or not has just been answered. If you decide that you can live with this knowledge - as in your case - then the following applies:

You mention that you now have a job, which means you have money, which means your position has changed somewhat and he may change his ways because of this. The interesting thing here is how the dynamic of the relationship can change once a little power comes your way (in this case power is being able to leave the relationship, which is now possible due to you having money).

It appears that at the very least, you are now a little more independent (you have choices available to you) and this can only be a positive thing in your current situation.

Ever heard the saying: the grass is greener on the other side? Of course you have. In reality, most of the time, it appears to be greener. The saying reflects on the fact that people generally tend to be want the things that are harder to get (maybe even the things they can’t have). take a look at your own worldly possessions: which one was the hardest one to archive? I’m willing to bet you attach a lot of value to this possession…

It appears that your other half stopped appreciating you for what you are: the other half of the relationship! Now that you have a new-found power and the possibility of you leaving the relationship is now a reality,he may well start to work a little harder to keep what he has, as you imply in your post.

People fear loss more than gain; if loosing you becomes a possibility, then he may just keep his promise to you.

It is however a sad state of affairs that you should have to create this possibility in order for your other half to ‘take more notice of you’. You’re the one who got hurt, and you’re the one who should really decide whether you want to forgive the cheating.

Not many people get a second chance, never mind more!

Your other half is pretty lucky, let’s be honest here: he’s been very lucky up to know. If you forgive him, you should let him know this, and you should let him know that he is still in a relationship with you because you decided to forgive him for his cheating and give him another chance. Never allow him to even suspect that the reason you’re still around is because you may somehow depend on him; or you can’t live without him. This shifts ‘the power’ back onto him, and you’ve already seen how he reacts when this is the case.

Let your partner know that can walk away if it comes to it. Let your partner know that you’re not a doormat and that you deserve to be treated with respect. Your other half may suddenly realise just how lucky they have been.

Meanwhile, keep doing what you’re doing - work on yourself and on your independence and put yourself in a position where you are comfortable knowing that you are not being taken for granted.

Recommended reading:

• My ex cheating on me after 5 years
• Cheating girlfriend, cheating wife

Consider this: what if your ex girlfriend is interested in being more than friends with you? This would be a reason for your ex to want to hook up with you sometime soon. However, this is neither good nor bad: it’s just a fact. Remember that you can’t control what other people think or do, so it’s not very useful to worry about what she may or may not be intending, especially since any outcome requires YOUR input also - this means you’re in control of at least half of the outcome.

You mention that you’re still hurt. Take this as a hint that what you should be using your time to heal; in other words, do things that are constructive to getting yourself back together again. Hang out with friends if you’re that way inclined, or spend some quality time with yourself and watch some great movies or read some great books if that’s what makes you tick… just do the things that you enjoy for now and don’t put yourself (and your emotions) on the firing line any time soon.
As for your question: “how to say no to an ex girlfriend”… that’s easy: say ‘no’.

I imagine (and hope) you simply decline the offer. Well, apply the same to your ex girlfriend. If you don’t want to meet up with her, then say so and don’t root around for excuses. ‘No’ will suffice.

• My ex wants to be friends

Jose says:

To begin with, get rid of this idea or concept that you have where crying is not for guys, or that it means that you’re ‘weak’ or weaker than others. You say you’re sad and lonely… so how else are you supposed to act? Crying is a very clever mechanism - a tool that your body uses to release tension and stress. If you don’t allow your body to function properly, you will be building all kind of stresses within in which could in time lead to a nervous breakdown and worse. So it’s your choice: cry when you’re feeling sad and lonely and release stress or decide that you know better than your in-built mechanisms and end up hooked on heavy anti-depressants…

So, start by getting rid of this idea you have… do this immediately - otherwise, every time you cry or you feel sad and lonely you will be reinforcing the idea that you’re ‘weak’… an idea that you made up yourself. Can you see how this reinforcement will affect you? it will dent your self-concept and drive you down into the depths of depression.

Moving on: you feel down in the dumps right now, but hey… everybody feels sad when this happens to them too!

Allow me to just pick out one thing that your words convey. You say that in the back of your mind you knew this (your ex girlfriend leaving you) was going to happen one day. In other words, it was inevitable.

You also state clearly what you think about yourself: you say that you’re ‘a weak person’ and your whole message seems to be based on this idea.

In the world of marketing there is an idea that the outcome of a meeting is set even before the meeting begins. It follows the ideology that it’s really down to the attitude of the people going into the meeting… the attitude (thoughts and feelings) they take into the meeting. This golden nugget of a concept applies to everything in life. Imagine you’re going ‘out on the town’ with your friends and you start to brood beforehand, dreading the thought of having a terrible night, playing scenes in your mind of the whole night going really badly for you. Well, with this attitude (and belief) how can you possibly have a good time when you go out? You can’t. You’ll have an air of negative expectancy, maybe even constantly scan your surroundings looking for confirmation of ’something bad about to happen’.

They say a chain is as strong as its weakest link… Let me ask you a question: how long do you think anybody can last in a relationship when all they think is: ‘this is not going to last. It won’t last. She’s going to leave me any minute now…’

Do you think that this attitude will affect the way that person acts and behaves around his girlfriend? Of course it will… Do you think that this person can have fun and be in the moment? Doubtful… he’s too busy thinking of his girlfriend leaving him!

So start to get rid of any ridiculous concepts that you have about yourself - make a list if you have to and start to cross them out to make them ‘go away’ - because simply put, you are what you THINK you are. If you think you are a weak person, then this is always going to be the case… you will always act according to that belief. The bad news is that you will act in this way for as long as you tell yourself you’re weak, so if you don’t do anything about this idea this is going to be the way you act for the whole of your life. Is that what you want? Do you think you will attract other women into your life when you act like a weak person is supposed to act? If you were a woman, would you work to get the attention of a guy who acted in this way?

Next:

• take a good look at yourself and where you are now, and decide who you want to be and where you want to be.
• once you’re clear on this, make a plan to get you there.
• Then do it.

You’re not weak - you’re just human.

Recommended articles to read:

• How long to get over an ex?
• Stop thinking about your ex
• Be glad it’s over with your ex

Jose says:

In most cases, closure is always nice. As people, we like closure because it allows us to tie loose ends neatly in our minds, no matter how unpleasant they are. Having the facts of why your girlfriend cheated on you allows you to do several things, including:

• understand why your girlfriend cheated on you after so many years together
• blame your girlfriend for cheating on you (although this can be a denial of your own shortcomings)
• learn from previous mistakes, so that you don’t end up in the same situation again

Sadly, we don’t always get closure, and this often creates a great deal of stress and a much wasted time by turning things over in your mind, trying to figure out the reason why she cheated on you in the first place. Thus, we must always be prepared to go on without knowing the real reason or the full facts about the affair.

Now here’s the good news: think of closure as a concept, nothing else. It’s just a way of doing things… but it’s not the ONLY way to do things.

Instead of focusing on not having the facts, be grateful that your ex girlfriend confessed to you that she cheated on you. It’s not always about you - she probably had to deal with her own demons and drum up the courage to tell you, and she may have been too ashamed to tell you everything.

But still, it is a good thing that she told you about the cheating. Period.

Imagine instead if you got to find out about the cheating in a few years’ time. Wouldn’t this be worse? How much older would you be? How much time, money, effort may you have put into the relationship in all that time? Not to mention love and commitments… And what if you had proposed? And worse… she had accepted? All those things would have come tumbling down like a house of cards when you found out about the cheating.

Wouldn’t THAT be a kicker? Wouldn’t THAT hurt? Wouldn’t that be a complete waste of your time - of years that you can never get back?

You can see that, despite how bad things seem right now, there is a lot to be glad about. Whether you get closure or not should really become a secondary thing - it’s not as important as it may seem, especially in the light of what it is you’re dealing with.

So let’s see where we’re really at: your ex admitted that she cheated on you after all these years. Well, the years are irrelevant right now: would you feel differently if she cheated on you after 2 years, or after 6 years? The bottom line is that she cheated on you, so don’t make it about the years - let go of that notion.

Forget also about closure, at least for now. If you do get it one day, then great (maybe) but right now it’s just a distraction you don’t need.

The truth is that her cheating on you may not be related to anything that you think, it may not even have anything to do with you personally - by this I mean that your girlfriend may have cheated on you because she made a bad decision, rather than because of something you did, said or else.

In reality, there’s not much point asking why. Would the answer change anything for you now that you know? Probably not. If so, forget about it.

If on the other hand you think knowing why she cheated would help you in some way, then you should still not expect to be told. You can’t control other people: your ex will tell you only if she wants to tell you, not if you want her to tell you.

Once you let go of wanting to know, you’ll be doing away with a lot of needless stresses. Getting over your ex girlfriend cheating is another thing, but at least you should not be weighed down with useless notions like closure, especially if it’s unlikely that she will ever confess everything.

When you can make it all about YOU, about picking up the pieces and getting back on track - rather than about wanting her to tell you things that are now in the past - then you can start to work on yourself.

Start by looking at all the good points of being single again. Check out the following articles:

• Be glad it’s over with your ex
• The first step in getting over an ex