Being dumped by your girlfriend… can feel like the end of the world for many guys. It’s almost an automatic reaction, where being dumped is about feeling bad… and this is where the answer is!
Nothing good is associated with being dumped by your girlfriend. Instead, being dumped is all about:
feeling lonely
feeling sad
feeling lost
having nobody to love
Whilst some or all of the above may be true, at least for the short term, the real issue stems from the fact that all of the above (negative points) are taken for granted. In short, if your girlfriend dumps you, you ASSUME that it’s time to feel bad. You don’t question it, you just do it. And how do you know when to stop feeling dumped? You don’t….
Instead, stop and question the value of this mindset. Morning the loos of a girlfriend or feeling low in self esteem after being dumped by her are natural states and have value in themselves (instrospection, ‘learning’ from mistakes… and so on) but they are only one side of the outcome. What about the positive side of being dumped?
Have you ever stopped to think what is good about being dumped by a girlfriend? If not, then ask yourself why not.
Being dumped, to start with, has negative connotations that target yoru self-esteem (the words ‘being dumped’ make you feel less valuable, less worthy, even unwanted). So change the word. You probably decided yourself that she dumped you - nobody chose those words for you. Not only are you putting a negative label on the event, but you’re buying into the ideology that you should now feel bad and depressed.
Stop.
Your relationship ended. Period. The reason is not important right now: what is, is changing the words that you use to describe the event.
So your relationship is over. Now start to think about how this can be of benefit. What couldn’t you do when you were in a relationship that you can do now, and that you would enjoy? What does being single mean right now to you:
a new beginning?
more parties?
staying out late?
not having to answer to anybody?
doing what you want, when you want?
Sure, being in the right relationship is a fantastic experience, but if this is not the case right now, then stop brooding about how wonderful it is, or it could be, and concentrate instead on finding the positives of your particular situation right now - i.e. being single.
The list is endless when it comes to finding positives, if only you apply yourself to the task.
Take a look at the follwing articles for more ideas:
There are ways to mend a broken heart that can seem elusive at first, especially if you just broke up with your partner and you’re feeling down, sorry for yourself etc.
Following a breakup you are at your most vulnerable - especially if your feelings are in turmoil. This is a hard time where key decisions are hard enough to make. Let’s face it: the broken-hearted are not known for their logical approach and their excellent decision-making. But this is not a bad thing - the only thing is not knowing that this is a bad time to make decisions. If you accept that you’re feeling down, heart-broken etc then you can avoid making many mistakes which may cost you time, effort, money and reputation.
So the first step is acceptance. Accept that you are broken-hearted. There is no shame in this (get rid of this idea). It happens to most people at one point or another, and there’s a lot of people around… You can pretend you’re fine on the outside, but you can’t lie to yourself, so don’t try to.
Once you’re comfortable with the idea, you can start concentrating on the real solution: mending a broken heart. Thinkof it like trying to help an alcoholic: if they don’t accept they have a problem, how can they start to work on a solution?
Now that we’re focusing on healing from the broken heart, we can look at the next points.
Distance is key. It is immensely helpful to be able to separate yourself from the matter - to step aside from the issue for a brief period of time, so you can view things without attachment. Shed your feelings if you like, and out them aside and look at things from a colder fresh angle to see what you can learn.
Not all broken hearts come about in the same way: some may be the result of a failed relationship, others may be the result of circumstance (maybe your sweetheart had to go away, got a job transfer, had to go study far away etc…) so it’s very hard to prescribe a universal solution to this issue.
You will need to look at your own particular circumstances to decide how you can implement the solution that helps you most.
In nearly all cases however, distancing yourself from the dilemma is always helpful. If it was a breakup that you’re dealing with, then see things from your ex partner’s eyes for a moment; consider ‘why’ things happened in the way they did. You will almost always find fault with you to some degree or another.
But mending a broken heart is not about finding blame and pointing fingers - it’s about distancing yourself and healing.
Use common sense when it comes to distancing yourself from your ex.
Avoid old haunts where your ex may frequent
Generally avoid your ex partner
Don’t drive past your ex’s home
Just don’t be anywhere near if you can help it
Mending your heart requires time. You have some control over the quality of that time: make sure it’s high quality time, where you are surrounded by yourself or alone, doing the things you enjoy. Don’t put yourself in the path of your ex partner: you’ll create nothing but stress for yourself and you will be doing everything you can to prevent emotional healing - instead, you’ll be continually opening those old wounds by seeing your ex. For most people, following a split, seeing their ex partners can be a step back - a revival of the hurt. While you don’t have any real control of where your ex decides to hang out, you do on the other hand have control of where YOU hang out, so use your common sense and avoid the aforementinoed places and any other place which may lead to a potential encounter with your ex.
Getting your ex girlfriend back can take a lot of effort and time, so before you consider this, think long and hard whether you want your ex back for the right reasons.
do you want your ex girlfriend back because you miss having female company?
do you want her back because you can’t stand being on your own?
do you want her back because you miss some of the things you did together as a couple?
do you want your ex back because all your friends are in relationships
None of the above points are legitimate reasons (the right reasons) for wanting to get your ex girlfriend back. In fact, if any of the above is one of your reasons, you could be setting yourself up for another breakup yet again.
Think about it this way: what is the end-goal of having your ex back? Potentially, you could be spending the rest of your life with your ex! This is why you should make yoru decision based on something solid, as opossed to becuase you feel lonely RIGHT NOW.
You can ask yourself whether you really want your ex back or not by using the following questions:
Are you willing to trade (potentially) the rest of your life (dating life at least) for ‘filling’ that empty gap right now (in the short term)?
Are you willing to loose your freedom (in a sense) by getting into a relationship because right now you’re bored?
You get the idea: think long term, think commitment. Becuase that’s the potential outcome of any relationship.
If you pass these type of ‘filter’ questions, then you’ve probably already thought about this decision in more detail than many people. If you want to get your ex girlfriend back because you genuinely like her being around and you enjoy being in a relationship with her, then you have the right reasons. You’ll now need to work on yourself and learn how to attract her again.
To learn more about generating attraction and how to get started on getting your ex back, please read the following article:
I also recommend downloading How to get over your ex and considering the content. The advanced chapters guide you throught the do’s and don’t’s of social attraction and how to generate attraction on a male-to-female basis. Enjoy.
So your girlfriend cheated on you… or your wife cheated on you, and now you’re wondering what to do…
Just knowing what to expect, and understanding the logical patterns of behaviours that may arise can give you a huge insight into your own reactions, thoughts, behaviours and help you to control them to a great extent. So let’s think about how most people - in general - may react when their girlfriend of wife cheats on them or does ’something untoward’ behind their back.
Most people are likely to experience a myriad of feelings, ranging from anger to denial to downright depression. Each state brings with it a set of related behaviours and tendencies or thoughts. For instance, during the anger stage you may well feel drawn toward any or all of the following:
getting revenge on your ex girlfriend
getting even with your ex wife
teaching your ex girlfriend or ex wife a lesson
These are all behaviours associated with the negative, and all 3 of the above normally come second to more violent thoughts such as punching an object or doing something that releases physical tension.
Unfortunately, some people will consider lashing out at their partner. This is of course unacceptable and to many, the mark of a coward. If you even think about being violent toward your spouse, girlfriend - and even exes - then you should consider seeking professional advice.
This article is aimed at the secondary wave of feelings and thoughts that may arise in the anger stage, following the primary (more primal) urges in which a man, upon finding his wife or girlfriend cheated on him, may feel like hitting something - punching a wall, a car door, a car steering wheel… - in the heat of the moment.
After the intensity of that first wave passes, what’s left is usually anger, sorrow and ill feelings, and for some, the urge to get even, to even the scores by some act of revenge.
If you’re at this stage, then this is for you.
Consider first, what’s in it for you. Will it make you feel better? Maybe in the short term, but highly unlikely beyond that.
Consider also this question: does it really matter? This is a hard question to accept - especially when we’re attached to a feeling or event by its recentness. But seriously, does it really matter?
If you get even with your ex, does it change anything?
if you even the scores with your ex wife, will you feel better about what she did?
The answer is always ‘no’, of course. If anything, by hanging on to the anger, by wanting to get even with your ex, you’re only prolonging the very same feelings you’re trying to rid yourself from (it’s a great irony).
The tragedy here stays with you: put simply, if you hang on to this wish for revenge you will likely be doing yourself mental and even physical harm in the long term. To find out why, read my article titled: Getting even with an ex girlfriend
Ending relationships is never a pleasant affair - at least for one of the partners in the relationship, if not both of them. Some people even put off ending a bad relationship in order to avoid a potential confrontation, or on-going arguments, or the ensuing heartache and depression that may follow.
If you find yourself in this situation - i.e. at the point where you find yourself looking for a way to break up with your partner - then you should consider at least the following 2 questions:
are you certain that you want to break up with your girlfriend (or boyfriend)?
are you satisfied that you have tried hard enough to save your relationship?
There’s not much point in building a huge list of things to think about - if you’re on the verge of spiting up with your ‘other half’ then you are probably stressed out enough, without adding to-do lists to your turmoil. The bottom line is simply making sure you’re certain that you want to end the relationship: ask yourself those 2 question and think about what they mean to you; have you tried hard enough to save your relationship doesn’timply that you have to go to extreme lengths to try to salvage it; it means are YOU satisfied that YOU have tried hard enough (for YOU). For you, trying hard may not mean the same as it does to somebody else - so aim these questions at you personally and forget about other couples, love stories, breakup stories and any advice from well-meaning friends and even dating ‘experts’; take everything on board, then make up your own mind.
So what does trying hard to save your relationship mean? How should you consider this question? Well, if you were in a relationship for a long time, and happy all - or most - of that time, then giving up on your girlfriend / boyfriend at the first real big hurdle may have you filling up with regret later on, wondering whether you ended the relationship too hastily, or even regretting having ended the relationship altogether. Putting an end to your relationship maybe something that you can’t undo afterwards, or if you can, it may take a lot of time and effort (and heartache).
So, first thing then is to be certain that you want to end it. Of course, even if you don’t want to split up, your partner may want to breakup anyway. This is something that you can’t control (you can’t control other people’s decisions) but the point here is to break away with a clear conscience, rather than lay away at night torturing yourself with guilty thoughts, or kicking yourself for ending something that you later realise was pretty good.
Remember that, whatever the glitch, time is a great healer. Whether we like it or not, after sleeping on a decision, things can seem a little different - even less harsh - than they first appeared. Try to control any knee-jerk reactions and if you can’t think logically about something then take yourself out of the situation for a day or 2, and let time do it’s job, then come back to it and look at it from a more logical point of view.
If for instance, your girlfriend or boyfriend causes you to ’see red’, you may want to consider (depending on what the issue is) taking time out rather than ending the relationship there and then, at the risk of regretting it later on.
If somebody told you they had stolen something from you years ago, back when you were kids, would you feel as angry as you would if they had stolen it the day before? If your partner confessed to having an affair 10 years ago, would you feel as angry as if the adultery had taken place 1 week ago?
Of course, I’m not suggesting that cheating partners should be forgiven, whether the affair happened long ago or not - only you can make that decision. My point is simply that time can allow you to take a step back and look at things less emotionally, and in most cases this is the best course of action to take in the heat of an argument.
Once you are certain that you want to end your relationship you have the ‘guilt’ factor covered. I refer to the ‘guilt factor’ here in terms of ending the relationship too soon, and not anything else that may cause you to feel guilty (i.e. anything you may have done or said).
Many people, despite wanting to end their relationships, still put it off or worse… avoid it altogether. Some of the reasons for this behaviour are:
they avoid ending a relationship because they fear confrontation
they prolong a bad relationship because they fear being alone
they stay in a bad relationship because they think they’ll never find love again
they are scared of their partner, or their partner’s reaction
they don’t split up because of the time they have invested in the relationship
Those are just some of the reasons some people may hold on to in order to justify staying in a terrible relationship. The thing to realise is that despite those - and any other - excuses, staying in a relationship when you’re unhappy is the biggest waste of your time, as well as your partner’s.
Your time is the most precious thing you have - it’s seeping out of you (literally) every second. Do you remember what you were doing an hour ago? Well, it’s now an hour later - and whether you had a good time or not during that hour, it’s gone forever.
What about in a year’s time, when you look back? Will you see then how much time you have lost (as long as you keep putting up with a bad relationship)?
And what about in 10 year’s time? How will that feel? If you’re in a bad relationship, then you owe it to yourself to end it, split up with your partner and start over again - but stop wasting your time like it’s candy or something that can be replaced… start respecting your time and yourself, and don’t put up with somebody that does not treat you in the same way that you treat them (assuming of course that you’re treating them ‘the right way’).
Whether you’re trying to decide how best to spend your time, or you’re struggling with a major decision, try this little experiment for size - you may just get the insight you’re looking for.
I devised this thought experiment to help others add a little perspective and hopefully ease the decision-making process when trying to make a major decision like:
should I stay in a relationship?
should I end this relationship?
I’m not happy in this relationship, but I’ve invested a lot of time and money so should I stay?
Typically, those are not easy decisions to make and at worse, some people can put themselves through unnecessary hard times by prolonging a bad relationship instead of breaking up with their partner.
If you’re going through this right now - you’re in a bad relationship and you don’t know whether you should break up with your girlfriend / boyfriend, then this is for you:
Think about what you’re feeling right now: it’s probably not good. Your emotions may be up and down on a daily basis, especially if you’re having constant arguments with your partner. Deep inside, you feel you two should split up, but you hesitate.. you can’t come to - or face - this decision. Something is stopping you - a thought, an idea, a concept, a fear…
Realise that whatever is stopping you is something in the NOW - and it’s probably in your head. So instead, take yourself somewhere else - away from the now - and look at back at the now (from a distance) and see how you feel about things then.
Imagine you have a time travelling machine, and you could use it once, to visit yourself in the future. Imagine now that you step in and you go to the future, and there you see yourself, old and frail, after a life-time of enduring whatever you’re enduring right now.
Here, in this place, you discover that you have 1 hour to live, then it’s lights out. Now realise as you look down on your frail self, how fast all that time went by…
Did you enjoy the ride?
Did you make the best out of your time?
Did you make sure that nobody gave you second-class behaviour, but instead treated you as you treated them?
If not, then guess who’s to blame for this decision? That’s right… in the end, the buck stops with you. Don’t think of blaming other people for how things turned out for you because the truth is that whatever you say, you probably had some control over the outcome (in this context). Let me give you some examples:
my ex is to blame: (s)he took advantage of me (no, you allowed your ex partner to take advantage of you).
my ex wouldn’t split up with me (no, (s)he didn’t want to break up and you decided to stay in the relationship, using your ex as your excuse for staying
etc…
Forget about coming up with other reasons and stay with the image of you in the future, looking at yourself, 1 hour from death. Tell the excuses to the old you… explain to the old you why you had a miserable time…
There’s only one real explanation: you allowed it.
Can you live with this decision in the future? If you can’t, then why are you living with it in the now?
Note that this thought experiment should be used with caution - it’s purpose is to help you create an educated guess about how life my have been, based on current events - if you let them continue as they are. In other words, if you know you should get out of a relationship because it’s bringing you nothing but stress and heartache and yet you find yourself coming up with reasons as to why you shouldn’t breakup - reasons that you know are nothing more than excuses (like the amount of time you’ve invested in the relationship) then you should out yourself through the experiment.
If the outcome of the thought experiment is a life of misery, then you have a choice to make: either change or fix the issue in the now, or get out.
Is getting even with an exgirlfriend something you should consider?
If you recently split up with your ex girlfriend, or ex wife, you may be feeling somewhat ‘emotional’. You may experience mood swings on a daily basis - especially when you reminisce about your ex girlfriend, or even remember arguments you had leading to the breakdown of the relationship - taking you from desperate to angry to furious. Well, that’s not unusual in itself, so don’t dwell too much on this - it’s part of the process.
If on the other hand you split up with your girlfriend or wife a long time ago, and you still feel very angry toward her, then maybe it’s time to start taking stock.
Anger can be a useful tool, if used properly and briefly - to propel yourself from a bad situation into a better one. But harvesting anger, keeping it alive inside you, is medically proven to be ‘a bad thing’. Anger creates stress inside you - to put it simply. Your brain releases a concoction of chemicals into your bloodstream when you’re angry, which create the various feelings you may experience - feelings that we associate with the negative, like:
suffering
stress
low self esteem
depression
lack of confidence
Having these chemicals floating around in your bloodstream for prologued periods of time is not a good thing. It’s in fact detrimental to your health and can cause many illnesses, even (eventually) terminal ones.
So by keeping the anger alive, you’re actually (technically) killing yourself.
If you’re the kind of guy who likes to get even with everybody so as not to ‘loose out to anyone’ then consider this: who ‘wins’ if you get ill as a result of being constantly angry about your ex girlfriend? You or her?
But closer to the point, you really should be asking yourself what your end goal is: are you trying to get over your ex? Then realise this:
by wanting to get even with your ex, you’re constantly thinking about your ex.
by wanting revenge on your ex girlfriend, you’re ’stressing’ over how to get even with her
In other words, you’re not getting over your ex because you’re keeping her alive inside your mind!
How’s that for an irony?
So, is it worth getting even with your ex? Well, that’s a personal question and only you can answer it. Is it worth getting even with her in the short term? (again, I can’t answer this). Is it worth being angry with your ex girlfriend? Well, as I said, anger has its uses, but it’s certainly not worth staying angry over any prolongued period of time: aside from the health angle, it’s simply a waste of your time (you could be doing something else, like enjoying a new girlfriend, instead of focusing on burning time and energy on being angry (or plotting to get even with) somebody who probably isn’t thinking about you right now, and who may care even less about you!
The short ’stock’ answer then, to is it worth getting even with an ex? is: get over her. Or grow up. Or pull your socks up. Chose whichever one fits your frame of mind right now.
Don’t waste your time plotting to get even with her. Accept that you may have had your flaws too and move on, learning all you can from the experience in order to improve yourself.
Music can help you when you’re getting over an ex. Most people recognize that music has a massive influence within us, affecting everything from our mood to our life-styles.
When you’re in love, music can bridge the natural gaps, can help you express words and feelings that you may otherwise struggle to put together; music bonds people, not just people in relationships but people in general - it creates groups, clicks, fashions, thoughts, concepts, views and more.
When getting over a breakup, music is just as powerful a tool as it is for anything else. Knowing this, here are some things you must NOT do (at least on a regular basis) if you’re trying to get over an ex:
don’t listen to sad songs
don’t listen to songs about breakups
don’t listen to songs that meant things to you and your ex
Doing any of the above will naturally trigger off your recollection - and make you relive times which you may not be wanting to revisit just now.
When it comes to songs to get over an ex then, you should arm yourself with a playlist you can enjoy and feel good about, and play it.
There are many webpages with lists of breakup songs. You could have a look at these to see if there are any songs in there that you may not have thought of, but the truth is that only YOU can decide what songs to play when you’re down in the dumps.
Choose songs that make you feel good, songs that energize you and songs that inspire you. These songs can only be chosen by YOU.
Typically, songs that lifted your mood before you were in a relationship can make a great comeback when you’re single again. Search your mind for all the songs that ever meant something to you, and search you tube to hear them again. Better still, buy them or see if you still have them somewhere, and make them a part of your new listening routine.
Having said this, don’t run away from the fact that you’re feeling down after a breakup. There should be a period of mourning to get things out of your system, a time to reflect, learn from your mistakes and grow stronger. Don’t just plug in your headphones as soon as your relationship is over and start pumping music into your eardrums - there’s plenty of time for the breakup songs after you pick up the lessons you needed to learn form your last relationship. When you’re done with the brief pause for reflection, then it’s time to crank up the breakup songs loud and clear.
For some, getting over an ex (girlfriendor boyfriend) can be a traumatic experience, for most, breaking up a relationship is not a pleasant affair.
There is a common assumption amongst some people that whoever ends the relationship will fare better - will suffer less - or not at all - whereas the dumped partner will be the one with all the baggage.
This can lead to a ‘race to be the one who dumps the other’ type scenario, which in itself is not a good thing to carry around in your head (how is your relationship going to last if you’re thinking about dumping her first? You’ll be looking for signs that tell you when it’s time to dump your partner…)
The truth is that it doesn’t matter who dumps who - whether you end the relationship with your girlfriend or boyfriend has little or no baring on how well you will handle the breakup. After the end of a relationship, there will be much thinking and brooding from both ex partners… and you can almost always expect to feel a little down after your breakup if:
you were with your ex for some time
you spent a lot of time with your ex
you did everything together with your ex
you lived with your ex
you cheated on your ex
you lied to your ex
The above points are only some of the reasons why you may feel down in the dumps, or have an attack of ‘the blues’ after a failed relationship.
The bottom line is that how close you were to your e girlfriend (or boyfriend) is usually a major factor in your healing process after a breakup. By ‘close’ I don’t just mean affectionate or lovable - I also mean close in the physical space sense of the word (not necessarily in a loving relationship, but nonetheless always together - even in a hate / hate relationship each partner usually has a dependency on the other).
If you had no real emotional attachment to your ex, you may not miss her (or him) personally but rather miss the routine you had, the closeness to another human being, the sharing, the company, the intimacy etc.
The downside of this is that missing the routine you had with somebody is the same feeling as missing your ex, so there’s little way to differentiate between the 2 states.
However, if you were dumped by your ex, rest assured that - unless your ex had no real feelings for you or has partnered up with somebody else - you’re not the only one down in the dumps.
The key is always to work yourself out of the gutter - to pick the pieces up and start again.
Ever think: How long will it take me to get over my ex? You’re not alone - it’s the million-dollar question…
Despite the fact that this is a frequent question, there is of course no right answer. The truth is, how long it takes you to get over your ex depends entirely on you, your attitude, your mindset, the type of relationship you had with your ex, the length of time you were together, the circumstances surrounding the breakup (for instance if she cheated on you then your ego may have taken a big hit and it may take you slightly longer to get over it) and so on.
Having said that, the question itself ( how long to get over an ex ) may not be the real question you need to ask. If you’re having trouble getting over an ex, then you should be asking how do I get over my ex? then it’s after all, what you are trying to achieve - the end goal.
The good news is that you can start putting the past behind you fairly quickly with very little effort - all it takes is a little knowledge.
