Being dumped by your girlfriend
November 20, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment
Being dumped by your girlfriend can feel like the end of the world for many guys. It’s almost an automatic reaction, where being dumped is about feeling bad… and this is where the answer is!
Nothing good is associated with being dumped by your girlfriend. Instead, being dumped is all about:
- feeling lonely
- feeling sad
- feeling lost
- having nobody to love
Whilst some or all of the above may be true, at least for the short term, the real issue stems from the fact that all of the above (negative points) are taken for granted. In short, if your girlfriend dumps you, you ASSUME that it’s time to feel bad. You don’t question it, you just do it. And how do you know when to stop feeling dumped? You don’t….
Instead, stop and question the value of this mindset. Morning the loos of a girlfriend or feeling low in self esteem after being dumped by her are natural states and have value in themselves (instrospection, ‘learning’ from mistakes… and so on) but they are only one side of the outcome. What about the positive side of being dumped?
Have you ever stopped to think what is good about being dumped by a girlfriend? If not, then ask yourself why not.
Being dumped, to start with, has negative connotations that target yoru self-esteem (the words ‘being dumped’ make you feel less valuable, less worthy, even unwanted). So change the word. You probably decided yourself that she dumped you - nobody chose those words for you. Not only are you putting a negative label on the event, but you’re buying into the ideology that you should now feel bad and depressed.
Stop.
Your relationship ended. Period. The reason is not important right now: what is, is changing the words that you use to describe the event.
So your relationship is over. Now start to think about how this can be of benefit. What couldn’t you do when you were in a relationship that you can do now, and that you would enjoy? What does being single mean right now to you:
- a new beginning?
- more parties?
- staying out late?
- not having to answer to anybody?
- doing what you want, when you want?
Sure, being in the right relationship is a fantastic experience, but if this is not the case right now, then stop brooding about how wonderful it is, or it could be, and concentrate instead on finding the positives of your particular situation right now - i.e. being single.
The list is endless when it comes to finding positives, if only you apply yourself to the task.
Make sure you also download your copy of How To Get Over Your Ex and start putting what you learn into practice right away!
=====Mastery begins with the self
Jose Gonzalez
Author, Qualified NLP Practitioner, member of the Society Of NLP
Get your 6500 + word sample of How To Get Over Your Ex. It's FREE and yours to keep - use as a reference, whenever and wherever.
My ex girlfriend wont speak to me
November 18, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment
“My ex girlfriend wont speak to me! Me and my ex girlfriend have been dating for over 6 months now, and it was an amazing relationship - everything was just right. Now, all over a sudden, she breaks up with me and she won’t even speak to me! I don’t know what went wrong, what I did to upset her but she just tells me to stop texting her and stop ringing her and she gets mad when I try to contact her. This all happened when her parents found out about us and I know she was trying to keep it from them. I love her so much and I don’t know what to do”.
Jose says:
The bad news is that there is very little you can do. If your ex girlfriend wont talk to you, then you can’t force her to. You are the only person you have control over; your ex girlfriend - for whatever reason - has made a decision and only she can change that decision.
It doesn’t sound like you got a clean break, but people seldom do. It also seems that you’re spending a lot of time thinking about this, covering all the angles, playing scenes from the past over and over in your mind until you find something - anything - that may explain why your ex broke up with you so suddenly. It sounds like you may have been shut out with not much explanation. But you already know in your heart of hearts and all this thinking will achieve very little… or nothing.
The truth is that there is not much point trying to ‘guess’ what really happened. Find out the facts and put it to rest, or accept what happened and put it to rest - but don’t second guess.
You mention she was trying to keep your relationship secret from her parents, and that they found out. It seems likely that this has something to do with her reaction. The fear of letting parents down is hard to overcome for some people - it’s not unlike peer-pressure, where you may act in ways that are out of character in order to earn the approval of your peers (it may well be that her decision has nothing do with you personally). But even if we assume that her parents are the reason for her behaviour, this still doesn’t change the situation at all.
You’re going to have to accept what happened. Don’t sit around and brood any more than you have to: do your ‘time’, reflect, learn whatever you can and then get back on track.
Your ex girlfriend may one day tell you what really happened for her to decide to break up with you, but even so, don’t bank on this being the truth - she may tell you what you want to hear instead.
There is much work to do when it comes to picking up the pieces, and this is what this site is all about. Take a look at the articles in this resource and make sure you download your copy of How To Get Over Your Ex.
Articles that will help:
Mastery begins with the self
Jose Gonzalez
Author, Qualified NLP Practitioner, member of the Society Of NLP
Get your 6500 + word sample of How To Get Over Your Ex. It's FREE and yours to keep - use as a reference, whenever and wherever.
Forgive someone for cheating?
November 14, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment
“Can I forgive someone for cheating? What if they have cheated on me more than once?
After 2.5 years or marriage, I discovered that my partner had cheated on me for the third time. The previous times I opted to forgive his cheating - I just try to ignore it. He always tells me he’s sorry but this time I think he means it. I just started work and now that I have a little money, he knows that I could actually leave him, so is it worth me sticking around and forgiving his cheating once more?”
Jose says:
Whether you can forgive someone for cheating or not is mostly down to the person making the decision. You should ask yourself: can I live with my partner knowing that they cheated on me? If the answer is no, then the question of whether you should forgive someone for cheating or not has just been answered. If you decide that you can live with this knowledge - as in your case - then the following applies:
You mention that you now have a job, which means you have money, which means your position has changed somewhat and he may change his ways because of this. The interesting thing here is how the dynamic of the relationship can change once a little power comes your way (in this case power is being able to leave the relationship, which is now possible due to you having money).
It appears that at the very least, you are now a little more independent (you have choices available to you) and this can only be a positive thing in your current situation.
Ever heard the saying: the grass is greener on the other side? Of course you have. In reality, most of the time, it appears to be greener. The saying reflects on the fact that people generally tend to be want the things that are harder to get (maybe even the things they can’t have). take a look at your own worldly possessions: which one was the hardest one to archive? I’m willing to bet you attach a lot of value to this possession…
It appears that your other half stopped appreciating you for what you are: the other half of the relationship! Now that you have a new-found power and the possibility of you leaving the relationship is now a reality,he may well start to work a little harder to keep what he has, as you imply in your post.
People fear loss more than gain; if loosing you becomes a possibility, then he may just keep his promise to you.
It is however a sad state of affairs that you should have to create this possibility in order for your other half to ‘take more notice of you’. You’re the one who got hurt, and you’re the one who should really decide whether you want to forgive the cheating.
Not many people get a second chance, never mind more!
Your other half is pretty lucky, let’s be honest here: he’s been very lucky up to know. If you forgive him, you should let him know this, and you should let him know that he is still in a relationship with you because you decided to forgive him for his cheating and give him another chance. Never allow him to even suspect that the reason you’re still around is because you may somehow depend on him; or you can’t live without him. This shifts ‘the power’ back onto him, and you’ve already seen how he reacts when this is the case.
Let your partner know that can walk away if it comes to it. Let your partner know that you’re not a doormat and that you deserve to be treated with respect. Your other half may suddenly realise just how lucky they have been.
Meanwhile, keep doing what you’re doing - work on yourself and on your independence and put yourself in a position where you are comfortable knowing that you are not being taken for granted.
It may sound tedious and even too much like hard work, but every decision comes with a price tag… and this may be the price to pay if you want to keep this relationship working.
=====Recommended reading:
Mastery begins with the self
Jose Gonzalez
Author, Qualified NLP Practitioner, member of the Society Of NLP
Get your 6500 + word sample of How To Get Over Your Ex. It's FREE and yours to keep - use as a reference, whenever and wherever.
How to say no to an ex girlfriend (or boyfriend)
November 9, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment
It’s hard to second guess what your ex girlfriend’s intentions may or may not be and since I don’t know the first thing about your relationship with her, I’m not going to try.
Consider this: what if your ex girlfriend is interested in being more than friends with you? This would be a reason for your ex to want to hook up with you sometime soon. However, this is neither good nor bad: it’s just a fact. Remember that you can’t control what other people think or do, so it’s not very useful to worry about what she may or may not be intending, especially since any outcome requires YOUR input also - this means you’re in control of at least half of the outcome.
You mention that you’re still hurt. Take this as a hint that what you should be using your time to heal; in other words, do things that are constructive to getting yourself back together again. Hang out with friends if you’re that way inclined, or spend some quality time with yourself and watch some great movies or read some great books if that’s what makes you tick… just do the things that you enjoy for now and don’t put yourself (and your emotions) on the firing line any time soon.
As for your question: “how to say no to an ex girlfriend”… that’s easy: say ‘no’.
You don’t need to justify your reasons to your ex girlfriend - or anybody else. If somebody asks you if you want a coffee, and you don’t… do you answer ‘no thank you’, or do you explain why you don’t feel like drinking one right now, perhaps detailing the last previous 6 times you drank coffee and theorising as to why you may not feel the urge to sip one at this time…
I imagine (and hope) you simply decline the offer. Well, apply the same to your ex girlfriend. If you don’t want to meet up with her, then say so and don’t root around for excuses. ‘No’ will suffice.
Recommended article:
=====Mastery begins with the self
Jose Gonzalez
Author, Qualified NLP Practitioner, member of the Society Of NLP
Get your 6500 + word sample of How To Get Over Your Ex. It's FREE and yours to keep - use as a reference, whenever and wherever.
How to mend a broken heart
November 4, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment
How to mend a broken heart: there are ways to mend a broken heart that can seem elusive at first, especially if you just broke up with your partner and you’re feeling down, sorry for yourself etc.
Following a breakup you are at your most vulnerable - especially if your feelings are in turmoil. This is a hard time where key decisions are hard enough to make. Let’s face it: the broken-hearted are not known for their logical approach and their excellent decision-making. But this is not a bad thing - the only thing is not knowing that this is a bad time to make decisions. If you accept that you’re feeling down, heart-broken etc then you can avoid making many mistakes which may cost you time, effort, money and reputation.
So the first step is acceptance. Accept that you are broken-hearted. There is no shame in this (get rid of this idea). It happens to most people at one point or another, and there’s a lot of people around… You can pretend you’re fine on the outside, but you can’t lie to yourself, so don’t try to.
Once you’re comfortable with the idea, you can start concentrating on the real solution: mending a broken heart. Think of it like trying to help an alcoholic: if they don’t accept they have a problem, how can they start to work on a solution?
Now that we’re focusing on healing from the broken heart, we can look at the next points.
Distance is key. It is immensely helpful to be able to separate yourself from the matter - to step aside from the issue for a brief period of time, so you can view things without attachment. Shed your feelings if you like, and out them aside and look at things from a colder fresh angle to see what you can learn.
Not all broken hearts come about in the same way: some may be the result of a failed relationship, others may be the result of circumstance (maybe your sweetheart had to go away, got a job transfer, had to go study far away etc…) so it’s very hard to prescribe a universal solution to this issue.
You will need to look at your own particular circumstances to decide how you can implement the solution that helps you most.
In nearly all cases however, distancing yourself from the dilemma is always helpful. If it was a breakup that you’re dealing with, then see things from your ex partner’s eyes for a moment; consider ‘why’ things happened in the way they did. You will almost always find fault with you to some degree or another.
But mending a broken heart is not about finding blame and pointing fingers - it’s about distancing yourself and healing.
Once you distance yourself mentally, you can start to do the same physically. If you have difficulty distancing yourself mentally, try reading how to stop thinking about your ex and also be glad it’s over with your ex to help you getting over this issue.
Use common sense when it comes to distancing yourself from your ex.
- Avoid old haunts where your ex may frequent
- Generally avoid your ex partner
- Don’t drive past your ex’s home
- Just don’t be anywhere near if you can help it
Mending your heart requires time. You have some control over the quality of that time: make sure it’s high quality time, where you are surrounded by yourself or alone, doing the things you enjoy. Don’t put yourself in the path of your ex partner: you’ll create nothing but stress for yourself and you will be doing everything you can to prevent emotional healing - instead, you’ll be continually opening those old wounds by seeing your ex. For most people, following a split, seeing their ex partners can be a step back - a revival of the hurt. While you don’t have any real control of where your ex decides to hang out, you do on the other hand have control of where YOU hang out, so use your common sense and avoid the aforementinoed places and any other place which may lead to a potential encounter with your ex.
Recommended reading:
=====Mastery begins with the self
Jose Gonzalez
Author, Qualified NLP Practitioner, member of the Society Of NLP
Get your 6500 + word sample of How To Get Over Your Ex. It's FREE and yours to keep - use as a reference, whenever and wherever.
My ex wants to be friends
November 2, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment
“My ex wants to be friends and I’m not sure how to say no to him. I’m not confident that we can patch up after he quit on our relationship and I’m not even sure why he wants to be friends now. I know that I’m not OK with a friendship right now, but what does it mean when an ex wants to be friends?”
Jose says:
You seem to have made your mind up already, so the answer is glaringly obvious. It really doesn’t matter if your ex boyfriend wants to be friends (or if your ex girlfriend to be friends, for that matter - it’s the same thing). What matters is what you think, and that’s pretty clear.
You should be glad that you’ve made a decision - many people get stuck in the rut of indeciseveness and burn up unnecessary emotional energy by not being able to choose a course of action.
Regarding your question: what does it mean when an ex wants to be friends?
I can’t even hazzard a guess as to what your ex’s motives may be without any background information and without knowing more details about your relatonship.
Anybody could have ulterior motives - it could be that your ex is interested in being more than friends. How you deal with this is down to you, your immediate needs and your decision making. Having said this, I’m not implying that wanting to be more than friends is a bad thing: in reality it’s neither good nor bad. It just depends on your position: if you want to be more than friends and this is your ex’s intention also, then it can be a good thing; but if your ex is trying to use the ‘lets be friends’ excuse to get close to you and you don’t want to get back into a relationship with him, then it can be a bad thing.
If the latter was the case, then you may have to be blunt with your ex and have a showdown of sorts, but it may turn out to be the best thing that you do (any great result may come out of this, especially in the long run) so I can’t even say it’s a bad thing if your ex wants to get back with you. It’s just a fact, nothing more nothing less.
So, it’s not about your ex wanting to be friends with you, but rather it’s about whether you want to be friends with your ex, and clearly - right now - you don’t. So the only issue to tackle is: how to say no to your ex.
Simply tell your ex you’re not ready for ANY kind of interaction right now. That’s it. That line is clear and straight to the point, and uses the word ‘interaction’ (instead of relationship) to avoid any nonsense and pretence. some people start to play word games when you tell them you’re not ready for a relationship of any kind… and attempt to turn the tables on you and make it about YOU accusing them of wanting something more than friendship… it’s a cheap tactic to divert attention from their real motives once you call their bluff, and it’s not a conversation you want to get into with your ex right now (it’s pointless and a waste of time).
At the end of the day, it’s your time and you are entitled to spend it (or not, as may be the case) with anybody you chose. Nobody is forcing you to spend it with your ex: if you do, it’s because you allowed it to.
So remember: use short and clear language and you won’t make a fool of yourself. Don’t accuse your ex of anthing (people can always deny what you accuse them of) but DO be clear and don’t drag it out: one sentence is all it takes.
Recommended articles:
=====Mastery begins with the self
Jose Gonzalez
Author, Qualified NLP Practitioner, member of the Society Of NLP
Get your 6500 + word sample of How To Get Over Your Ex. It's FREE and yours to keep - use as a reference, whenever and wherever.
How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back
November 1, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment
Getting your ex girlfriend back can take a lot of effort and time, so before you consider this, think long and hard whether you want your ex back for the right reasons.
- do you want your ex girlfriend back because you miss having female company?
- do you want her back because you can’t stand being on your own?
- do you want her back because you miss some of the things you did together as a couple?
- do you want your ex back because all your friends are in relationships
None of the above points are legitimate reasons (the right reasons) for wanting to get your ex girlfriend back. In fact, if any of the above is one of your reasons, you could be setting yourself up for another breakup yet again.
Think about it this way: what is the end-goal of having your ex back? Potentially, you could be spending the rest of your life with your ex! This is why you should make yoru decision based on something solid, as opossed to becuase you feel lonely RIGHT NOW.
You can ask yourself whether you really want your ex back or not by using the following questions:
- Are you willing to trade (potentially) the rest of your life (dating life at least) for ‘filling’ that empty gap right now (in the short term)?
- Are you willing to loose your freedom (in a sense) by getting into a relationship because right now you’re bored?
You get the idea: think long term, think commitment. Becuase that’s the potential outcome of any relationship.
If you pass these type of ‘filter’ questions, then you’ve probably already thought about this decision in more detail than many people. If you want to get your ex girlfriend back because you genuinely like her being around and you enjoy being in a relationship with her, then you have the right reasons. You’ll now need to work on yourself and learn how to attract her again.
To learn more about generating attraction and how to get started on getting your ex back, please read the following article:
I also recommend downloading How to get over your ex and considering the content. The advanced chapters guide you throught the do’s and don’t’s of social attraction and how to generate attraction on a male-to-female basis. Enjoy.
=====Mastery begins with the self
Jose Gonzalez
Author, Qualified NLP Practitioner, member of the Society Of NLP
Get your 6500 + word sample of How To Get Over Your Ex. It's FREE and yours to keep - use as a reference, whenever and wherever.
