Staying friends with an ex

October 31, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment

“Is staying friends with an ex a good idea? My ex boyfriend was on the rebound (already this sounds like a bad relationship, I know). But he decided in the end that he couldn’t be with me - it was too early after his breakup he said. But he still wanted to be friends with me. One of my friends says I should let him do all the work for the friendship to work, in case he doesn’t mean it. Anyway, after one full month he didn’t get in touch with me. I text him once because some of his stuff was still at my place and I wanted to do the decent thing and let him collect his things.

In all this time we haven’t seen each other even once. He didn’t even text back until today, when he asked to meet him to say hello if I want to. I’m not sure what to do. Do men ever mean this? I don’t think he wants to get back together with me, but I keep thinking about how you can pretend you never had a relationship and act like you’re just friends. Any advice is welcome.”

Jose says:

Staying friends with an ex can be a tough decision, especially if you still have feelings for your ex, or vice-versa, as these will invariably have an effect on the friendship. If I was in this position, I would seriously consider how beneficial this ‘friendship’ is to me right now.

It already sounds like you may be spending a lot of time thinking about this ‘friendship’, and considering that you haven’t seen him in at least a month, you should maybe ask yourself whether this use of your time is valuable in any way.

Despite the time that has passed between you both since you broke up, a single text from him has your mind spinning… Are you over him enough to be friends?

In reality, his text - or rather the reason behin it - may mean something or nothing. Perhaps he got in touch because he’s been unlucky in love elsewhere and he wants to hook up with you for an entirely selfish reason. But then again, perhaps he really wants to be friends and he simply waited until a safe amount of time had passed after the split.

The bottom line is that, whether you like it or not, you have no control whatsoever over what other people think or do. The one thing you DO have control over however, is YOU. Don’t give up this control by allowing people to create turmoil in your mind so easily.

In short: thinking about his motives is not the best way to spend your time.

If circumstance allows and you create distance, one day you will be able to think of him without much - or any - attachment whilst still remembering your past relationship. Staying friends with your ex may seem like a good option at this point, and it could even turn out to be a good friendship. However, right now it seems that you’re focused on the kind of emotions that should not interfere in a healthy friendship - namely, what his intentions may or may not be.

Your time right now may be better spent with real ’safe’ friends, whilst you get yourself back on track.

You do say you’re not sure what to do… If it felt right, you’d know straight away. Trust your feelings.

Other posts that may help:
* Stop thinking about your ex
* The first step in getting over an ex

=====
Mastery begins with the self
Jose Gonzalez
Author, Qualified NLP Practitioner, member of the Society Of NLP

Get your 6500 + word sample of How To Get Over Your Ex. It's FREE and yours to keep - use as a reference, whenever and wherever.

Filed under: Questions & Answers
Tagged: should you be friends with your ex?, Staying friends with an ex

Sad and lonely after ex girlfriend left me

October 29, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment

“I feel so sad and lonely its unreal. I am a guy but I just cry and cry every single day… I never felt like this before. I’m out of my mind and I don’t even think I will get over her. I knew this would happen one day. I was better off alone and I wish I’d never met her - it hurts too much and I can’t deal with the pain. I just knew it was going to happen one day. I know I’m a guy but I’m just a weak person… I just hope I can get through this”

Jose says:

To begin with, get rid of this idea or concept that you have where crying is not for guys, or that it means that you’re ‘weak’ or weaker than others. You say you’re sad and lonely… so how else are you supposed to act? Crying is a very clever mechanism - a tool that your body uses to release tension and stress. If you don’t allow your body to function properly, you will be building all kind of stresses within in which could in time lead to a nervous breakdown and worse. So it’s your choice: cry when you’re feeling sad and lonely and release stress or decide that you know better than your in-built mechanisms and end up hooked on heavy anti-depressants…

So, start by getting rid of this idea you have… do this immediately - otherwise, every time you cry or you feel sad and lonely you will be reinforcing the idea that you’re ‘weak’… an idea that you made up yourself. Can you see how this reinforcement will affect you? it will dent your self-concept and drive you down into the depths of depression.

Moving on: you feel down in the dumps right now, but hey… everybody feels sad when this happens to them too!

Allow me to just pick out one thing that your words convey. You say that in the back of your mind you knew this (your ex girlfriend leaving you) was going to happen one day. In other words, it was inevitable.

You also state clearly what you think about yourself: you say that you’re ‘a weak person’ and your whole message seems to be based on this idea.

In the world of marketing there is an idea that the outcome of a meeting is set even before the meeting begins. It follows the ideology that it’s really down to the attitude of the people going into the meeting… the attitude (thoughts and feelings) they take into the meeting. This golden nugget of a concept applies to everything in life. Imagine you’re going ‘out on the town’ with your friends and you start to brood beforehand, dreading the thought of having a terrible night, playing scenes in your mind of the whole night going really badly for you. Well, with this attitude (and belief) how can you possibly have a good time when you go out? You can’t. You’ll have an air of negative expectancy, maybe even constantly scan your surroundings looking for confirmation of ’something bad about to happen’.

They say a chain is as strong as its weakest link… Let me ask you a question: how long do you think anybody can last in a relationship when all they think is: ‘this is not going to last. It won’t last. She’s going to leave me any minute now…’

Do you think that this attitude will affect the way that person acts and behaves around his girlfriend? Of course it will… Do you think that this person can have fun and be in the moment? Doubtful… he’s too busy thinking of his girlfriend leaving him!

So start to get rid of any ridiculous concepts that you have about yourself - make a list if you have to and start to cross them out to make them ‘go away’ - because simply put, you are what you THINK you are. If you think you are a weak person, then this is always going to be the case… you will always act according to that belief. The bad news is that you will act in this way for as long as you tell yourself you’re weak, so if you don’t do anything about this idea this is going to be the way you act for the whole of your life. Is that what you want? Do you think you will attract other women into your life when you act like a weak person is supposed to act? If you were a woman, would you work to get the attention of a guy who acted in this way?

take a good look at yourself and where you are now, and decide who you want to be and where you want to be.
once you’re clear on this, make a plan to get you there.
Then do it.

Don’t come up with excuses as to why you can’t do this and that, and don’t stall by wanting to stay sad and lonely as some kind of justification for staying where you are right now. There are NO excuses when all is said and done. In reality, none of us know what lies head, or what’s around the corner, but that’s no reason to slow down and stop moving forward. Get in gear and and pick up the pace again.

You’re not weak - you’re just human.

My ex girlfriend cheated on me after 5 years

October 28, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment

“I’m 25 and my girlfriend of 5 years goes and calls me today and tells me she has cheated on me and she’s leaving me. That’s it. She just hung up on me! Now she won’t answer my calls and she won’t tell me why. I need to know so I can move on”.

Jose says:

In most cases, closure is always nice. As people, we like closure because it allows us to tie loose ends neatly in our minds, no matter how unpleasant they are. Having the facts of why your girlfriend cheated on you allows you to do several things, including:

understand why your girlfriend cheated on you after so many years together
blame your girlfriend for cheating on you (although this can be a denial of your own shortcomings)
learn from previous mistakes, so that you don’t end up in the same situation again

Sadly, we don’t always get closure, and this often creates a great deal of stress and a much wasted time by turning things over in your mind, trying to figure out the reason why she cheated on you in the first place. Thus, we must always be prepared to go on without knowing the real reason or the full facts about the affair.

Now here’s the good news: think of closure as a concept, nothing else. It’s just a way of doing things… but it’s not the ONLY way to do things.

Instead of focusing on not having the facts, be grateful that your ex girlfriend confessed to you that she cheated on you. It’s not always about you - she probably had to deal with her own demons and drum up the courage to tell you, and she may have been too ashamed to tell you everything.

But still, it is a good thing that she told you about the cheating. Period.

Imagine instead if you got to find out about the cheating in a few years’ time. Wouldn’t this be worse? How much older would you be? How much time, money, effort may you have put into the relationship in all that time? Not to mention love and commitments… And what if you had proposed? And worse… she had accepted? All those things would have come tumbling down like a house of cards when you found out about the cheating.

Wouldn’t THAT be a kicker? Wouldn’t THAT hurt? Wouldn’t that be a complete waste of your time - of years that you can never get back?

You can see that, despite how bad things seem right now, there is a lot to be glad about. Whether you get closure or not should really become a secondary thing - it’s not as important as it may seem, especially in the light of what it is you’re dealing with.

So let’s see where we’re really at: your ex admitted that she cheated on you after all these years. Well, the years are irrelevant right now: would you feel differently if she cheated on you after 2 years, or after 6 years? The bottom line is that she cheated on you, so don’t make it about the years - let go of that notion.

Forget also about closure, at least for now. If you do get it one day, then great (maybe) but right now it’s just a distraction you don’t need.

The truth is that her cheating on you may not be related to anything that you think, it may not even have anything to do with you personally - by this I mean that your girlfriend may have cheated on you because she made a bad decision, rather than because of something you did, said or else.

In reality, there’s not much point asking why. Would the answer change anything for you now that you know? Probably not. If so, forget about it.

If on the other hand you think knowing why she cheated would help you in some way, then you should still not expect to be told. You can’t control other people: your ex will tell you only if she wants to tell you, not if you want her to tell you.

Once you let go of wanting to know, you’ll be doing away with a lot of needless stresses. Getting over your ex girlfriend cheating is another thing, but at least you should not be weighed down with useless notions like closure, especially if it’s unlikely that she will ever confess everything.

When you can make it all about YOU, about picking up the pieces and getting back on track - rather than about wanting her to tell you things that are now in the past - then you can start to work on yourself.

Start by looking at all the good points of being single again. Check out the following articles:

Filed under: Questions & Answers
Tagged: My ex girlfriend cheated on me after 5 years

Cheating girlfriend / cheating wife: how to deal with this

October 27, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment

So your girlfriend cheated on you… or your wife cheated on you, and now you’re wondering what to do…

Just knowing what to expect, and understanding the logical patterns of behaviours that may arise can give you a huge insight into your own reactions, thoughts, behaviours and help you to control them to a great extent. So let’s think about how most people - in general - may react when their girlfriend of wife cheats on them or does ’something untoward’ behind their back.

Most people are likely to experience a myriad of feelings, ranging from anger to denial to downright depression. Each state brings with it a set of related behaviours and tendencies or thoughts. For instance, during the anger stage you may well feel drawn toward any or all of the following:

getting revenge on your ex girlfriend
getting even with your ex wife
teaching your ex girlfriend or ex wife a lesson

These are all behaviours associated with the negative, and all 3 of the above normally come second to more violent thoughts such as punching an object or doing something that releases physical tension.

Unfortunately, some people will consider lashing out at their partner. This is of course unacceptable and to many, the mark of a coward. If you even think about being violent toward your spouse, girlfriend - and even exes - then you should consider seeking professional advice.

This article is aimed at the secondary wave of feelings and thoughts that may arise in the anger stage, following the primary (more primal) urges in which a man, upon finding his wife or girlfriend cheated on him, may feel like hitting something - punching a wall, a car door, a car steering wheel… - in the heat of the moment.

After the intensity of that first wave passes, what’s left is usually anger, sorrow and ill feelings, and for some, the urge to get even, to even the scores by some act of revenge.

If you’re at this stage, then this is for you.

Consider first, what’s in it for you. Will it make you feel better? Maybe in the short term, but highly unlikely beyond that.

Consider also this question: does it really matter? This is a hard question to accept - especially when we’re attached to a feeling or event by its recentness. But seriously, does it really matter?

If you get even with your ex, does it change anything?
if you even the scores with your ex wife, will you feel better about what she did?

The answer is always ‘no’, of course. If anything, by hanging on to the anger, by wanting to get even with your ex, you’re only prolonging the very same feelings you’re trying to rid yourself from (it’s a great irony).

The tragedy here stays with you: put simply, if you hang on to this wish for revenge you will likely be doing yourself mental and even physical harm in the long term. To find out why, read my article titled:
Getting even with an ex girlfriend

Filed under: Articles
Tagged: cheating girlfriend, cheating wife, girlfriend cheated on you, what to do if a girlfriend cheats on you, what to do if your wife cheats on you, wife cheated on you

Ending a long term relationship

October 26, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment

Ending a long term relationship is never a pleasant affair - at least for one of the partners in the relationship, if not both of them. Some people even put off ending a bad relationship in order to avoid a potential confrontation, or on-going arguments, or the ensuing heartache and depression that may follow.

If you find yourself in this situation - i.e. at the point where you find yourself looking for a way to break up with your partner - then you should consider at least the following 2 questions:

are you certain that you want to break up with your girlfriend (or boyfriend)?
are you satisfied that you have tried hard enough to save your relationship?

There’s not much point in building a huge list of things to think about - if you’re on the verge of spiting up with your ‘other half’ then you are probably stressed out enough, without adding to-do lists to your turmoil. The bottom line is simply making sure you’re certain that you want to end the relationship: ask yourself those 2 question and think about what they mean to you; have you tried hard enough to save your relationship doesn’t imply that you have to go to extreme lengths to try to salvage it; it means are YOU satisfied that YOU have tried hard enough (for YOU). For you, trying hard may not mean the same as it does to somebody else - so aim these questions at you personally and forget about other couples, love stories, breakup stories and any advice from well-meaning friends and even dating ‘experts’; take everything on board, then make up your own mind.

So what does trying hard to save your relationship mean? How should you consider this question? Well, if you were in a relationship for a long time, and happy all - or most - of that time, then giving up on your girlfriend / boyfriend at the first real big hurdle may have you filling up with regret later on, wondering whether you ended the relationship too hastily, or even regretting having ended the relationship altogether. Putting an end to your relationship maybe something that you can’t undo afterwards, or if you can, it may take a lot of time and effort (and heartache).

So, first thing then is to be certain that you want to end it. Of course, even if you don’t want to split up, your partner may want to breakup anyway. This is something that you can’t control (you can’t control other people’s decisions) but the point here is to break away with a clear conscience, rather than lay away at night torturing yourself with guilty thoughts, or kicking yourself for ending something that you later realise was pretty good.

Remember that, whatever the glitch, time is a great healer. Whether we like it or not, after sleeping on a decision, things can seem a little different - even less harsh - than they first appeared. Try to control any knee-jerk reactions and if you can’t think logically about something then take yourself out of the situation for a day or 2, and let time do it’s job, then come back to it and look at it from a more logical point of view.

If for instance, your girlfriend or boyfriend causes you to ’see red’, you may want to consider (depending on what the issue is) taking time out rather than ending the relationship there and then, at the risk of regretting it later on.

If somebody told you they had stolen something from you years ago, back when you were kids, would you feel as angry as you would if they had stolen it the day before? If your partner confessed to having an affair 10 years ago, would you feel as angry as if the adultery had taken place 1 week ago?

Of course, I’m not suggesting that cheating partners should be forgiven, whether the affair happened long ago or not - only you can make that decision. My point is simply that time can allow you to take a step back and look at things less emotionally, and in most cases this is the best course of action to take in the heat of an argument.

Once you are certain that you want to end your relationship you have the ‘guilt’ factor covered. I refer to the ‘guilt factor’ here in terms of ending the relationship too soon, and not anything else that may cause you to feel guilty (i.e. anything you may have done or said).

Many people, despite wanting to end their relationships, still put it off or worse… avoid it altogether. Some of the reasons for this behaviour are:

they avoid ending a relationship because they fear confrontation
they prolong a bad relationship because they fear being alone
they stay in a bad relationship because they think they’ll never find love again
they are scared of their partner, or their partner’s reaction
they don’t split up because of the time they have invested in the relationship

Those are just some of the reasons some people may hold on to in order to justify staying in a terrible relationship. The thing to realise is that despite those - and any other - excuses, staying in a relationship when you’re unhappy is the biggest waste of your time, as well as your partner’s.

Your time is the most precious thing you have - it’s seeping out of you (literally) every second. Do you remember what you were doing an hour ago? Well, it’s now an hour later - and whether you had a good time or not during that hour, it’s gone forever.

What about in a year’s time, when you look back? Will you see then how much time you have lost (as long as you keep putting up with a bad relationship)?

And what about in 10 year’s time? How will that feel? If you’re in a bad relationship, then you owe it to yourself to end it, split up with your partner and start over again - but stop wasting your time like it’s candy or something that can be replaced… start respecting your time and yourself, and don’t put up with somebody that does not treat you in the same way that you treat them (assuming of course that you’re treating them ‘the right way’).

Your life is a series of hours, nothing else: wake up to this fact. If you haven’t already, try my thought experiment in the following post, called How to decide whether to stay in a bad relationship.

Filed under: Articles
Tagged: Ending a long term relationship, ending a relationship, how to end a relationship

How to decide whether to stay in a bad relationship (the time travel experiment)

October 26, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment

Whether you’re trying to decide how best to spend your time, or you’re struggling with a major decision, try this little experiment for size - you may just get the insight you’re looking for.

I devised this thought experiment to help others add a little perspective and hopefully ease the decision-making process when trying to make a major decision like:

should I stay in a relationship?
should I end this relationship?
I’m not happy in this relationship, but I’ve invested a lot of time and money so should I stay?

Typically, those are not easy decisions to make and at worse, some people can put themselves through unnecessary hard times by prolonging a bad relationship instead of breaking up with their partner.

If you’re going through this right now - you’re in a bad relationship and you don’t know whether you should break up with your girlfriend / boyfriend, then this is for you:

Think about what you’re feeling right now: it’s probably not good. Your emotions may be up and down on a daily basis, especially if you’re having constant arguments with your partner. Deep inside, you feel you two should split up, but you hesitate.. you can’t come to - or face - this decision. Something is stopping you - a thought, an idea, a concept, a fear…

Realise that whatever is stopping you is something in the NOW - and it’s probably in your head. So instead, take yourself somewhere else - away from the now - and look at back at the now (from a distance) and see how you feel about things then.

Imagine you have a time travelling machine, and you could use it once, to visit yourself in the future. Imagine now that you step in and you go to the future, and there you see yourself, old and frail, after a life-time of enduring whatever you’re enduring right now.

Here, in this place, you discover that you have 1 hour to live, then it’s lights out. Now realise as you look down on your frail self, how fast all that time went by…

Did you enjoy the ride?
Did you make the best out of your time?
Did you make sure that nobody gave you second-class behaviour, but instead treated you as you treated them?

If not, then guess who’s to blame for this decision? That’s right… in the end, the buck stops with you. Don’t think of blaming other people for how things turned out for you because the truth is that whatever you say, you probably had some control over the outcome (in this context). Let me give you some examples:

my ex is to blame: (s)he took advantage of me (no, you allowed your ex partner to take advantage of you).
my ex wouldn’t split up with me (no, (s)he didn’t want to break up and you decided to stay in the relationship, using your ex as your excuse for staying
etc…

Forget about coming up with other reasons and stay with the image of you in the future, looking at yourself, 1 hour from death. Tell the excuses to the old you… explain to the old you why you had a miserable time…

There’s only one real explanation: you allowed it.

Can you live with this decision in the future? If you can’t, then why are you living with it in the now?

Note that this thought experiment should be used with caution - it’s purpose is to help you create an educated guess about how life my have been, based on current events - if you let them continue as they are. In other words, if you know you should get out of a relationship because it’s bringing you nothing but stress and heartache and yet you find yourself coming up with reasons as to why you shouldn’t breakup - reasons that you know are nothing more than excuses (like the amount of time you’ve invested in the relationship) then you should out yourself through the experiment.

If the outcome of the thought experiment is a life of misery, then you have a choice to make: either change or fix the issue in the now, or get out.

Filed under: Articles
Tagged: how to decide whether to stay in a bad relationship, nlp, thought experiment, time travel experiment

Getting even with an ex girlfriend

October 24, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment

Is getting even with an ex girlfriend something you should consider?

If you recently split up with your ex girlfriend, or ex wife, you may be feeling somewhat ‘emotional’. You may experience mood swings on a daily basis - especially when you reminisce about your ex girlfriend, or even remember arguments you had leading to the breakdown of the relationship - taking you from desperate to angry to furious. Well, that’s not unusual in itself, so don’t dwell too much on this - it’s part of the process.

If on the other hand you split up with your girlfriend or wife a long time ago, and you still feel very angry toward her, then maybe it’s time to start taking stock.

Anger can be a useful tool, if used properly and briefly - to propel yourself from a bad situation into a better one. But harvesting anger, keeping it alive inside you, is medically proven to be ‘a bad thing’. Anger creates stress inside you - to put it simply. Your brain releases a concoction of chemicals into your bloodstream when you’re angry, which create the various feelings you may experience - feelings that we associate with the negative, like:

suffering
stress
low self esteem
depression
lack of confidence

Having these chemicals floating around in your bloodstream for prologued periods of time is not a good thing. It’s in fact detrimental to your health and can cause many illnesses, even (eventually) terminal ones.

So by keeping the anger alive, you’re actually (technically) killing yourself.

If you’re the kind of guy who likes to get even with everybody so as not to ‘loose out to anyone’ then consider this: who ‘wins’ if you get ill as a result of being constantly angry about your ex girlfriend? You or her?

But closer to the point, you really should be asking yourself what your end goal is: are you trying to get over your ex? Then realise this:

by wanting to get even with your ex, you’re constantly thinking about your ex.
by wanting revenge on your ex girlfriend, you’re ’stressing’ over how to get even with her

In other words, you’re not getting over your ex because you’re keeping her alive inside your mind!

How’s that for an irony?

So, is it worth getting even with your ex? Well, that’s a personal question and only you can answer it. Is it worth getting even with her in the short term? (again, I can’t answer this). Is it worth being angry with your ex girlfriend? Well, as I said, anger has its uses, but it’s certainly not worth staying angry over any prolongued period of time: aside from the health angle, it’s simply a waste of your time (you could be doing something else, like enjoying a new girlfriend, instead of focusing on burning time and energy on being angry (or plotting to get even with) somebody who probably isn’t thinking about you right now, and who may care even less about you!

The short ’stock’ answer then, to is it worth getting even with an ex? is: get over her. Or grow up. Or pull your socks up. Chose whichever one fits your frame of mind right now.

Don’t waste your time plotting to get even with her. Accept that you may have had your flaws too and move on, learning all you can from the experience in order to improve yourself.

Filed under: Articles
Tagged: even scores with your ex, get even with ex, Getting even with an ex, plotting against an ex girlfriend

Breakup songs to get over an ex

October 13, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment

Music can help you when you’re getting over an ex. Most people recognize that music has a massive influence within us, affecting everything from our mood to our life-styles.

When you’re in love, music can bridge the natural gaps, can help you express words and feelings that you may otherwise struggle to put together; music bonds people, not just people in relationships but people in general - it creates groups, clicks, fashions, thoughts, concepts, views and more.

When getting over a breakup, music is just as powerful a tool as it is for anything else. Knowing this, here are some things you must NOT do (at least on a regular basis) if you’re trying to get over an ex:

don’t listen to sad songs
don’t listen to songs about breakups
don’t listen to songs that meant things to you and your ex

Doing any of the above will naturally trigger off your recollection - and make you relive times which you may not be wanting to revisit just now.

When it comes to songs to get over an ex then, you should arm yourself with a playlist you can enjoy and feel good about, and play it.

There are many webpages with lists of breakup songs. You could have a look at these to see if there are any songs in there that you may not have thought of, but the truth is that only YOU can decide what songs to play when you’re down in the dumps.

Choose songs that make you feel good, songs that energize you and songs that inspire you. These songs can only be chosen by YOU.

Typically, songs that lifted your mood before you were in a relationship can make a great comeback when you’re single again. Search your mind for all the songs that ever meant something to you, and search you tube to hear them again. Better still, buy them or see if you still have them somewhere, and make them a part of your new listening routine.

Having said this, don’t run away from the fact that you’re feeling down after a breakup. There should be a period of mourning to get things out of your system, a time to reflect, learn from your mistakes and grow stronger. Don’t just plug in your headphones as soon as your relationship is over and start pumping music into your eardrums - there’s plenty of time for the breakup songs after you pick up the lessons you needed to learn form your last relationship. When you’re done with the brief pause for reflection, then it’s time to crank up the breakup songs loud and clear.

Filed under: Articles
Tagged: Breakup songs to get over an ex, what songs to play to get over your ex

My ex dumped me, so will I suffer the most?

October 12, 2008 by admin · Leave a Comment

For some, getting over an ex (girlfriend or boyfriend) can be a traumatic experience, for most, breaking up a relationship is not a pleasant affair.

There is a common assumption amongst some people that whoever ends the relationship will fare better - will suffer less - or not at all - whereas the dumped partner will be the one with all the baggage.

This can lead to a ‘race to be the one who dumps the other’ type scenario, which in itself is not a good thing to carry around in your head (how is your relationship going to last if you’re thinking about dumping her first? You’ll be looking for signs that tell you when it’s time to dump your partner…)

The truth is that it doesn’t matter who dumps who - whether you end the relationship with your girlfriend or boyfriend has little or no baring on how well you will handle the breakup. After the end of a relationship, there will be much thinking and brooding from both ex partners… and you can almost always expect to feel a little down after your breakup if:

you were with your ex for some time
you spent a lot of time with your ex
you did everything together with your ex
you lived with your ex
you cheated on your ex
you lied to your ex

The above points are only some of the reasons why you may feel down in the dumps, or have an attack of ‘the blues’ after a failed relationship.

The bottom line is that how close you were to your e girlfriend (or boyfriend) is usually a major factor in your healing process after a breakup. By ‘close’ I don’t just mean affectionate or lovable - I also mean close in the physical space sense of the word (not necessarily in a loving relationship, but nonetheless always together - even in a hate / hate relationship each partner usually has a dependency on the other).

If you had no real emotional attachment to your ex, you may not miss her (or him) personally but rather miss the routine you had, the closeness to another human being, the sharing, the company, the intimacy etc.

The downside of this is that missing the routine you had with somebody is the same feeling as missing your ex, so there’s little way to differentiate between the 2 states.

However, if you were dumped by your ex, rest assured that - unless your ex had no real feelings for you or has partnered up with somebody else - you’re not the only one down in the dumps.

The key is always to work yourself out of the gutter - to pick the pieces up and start again.

Filed under: Articles
Tagged: dumped by my ex girlfriend, first to break up a relationship, who suffers the most?